Barbie Q
by StupidSequel
Summary: Barbie is on a quest to reopen Mega Upload so she can download some Cheerios because she's hungry. Please note, I have never really had any interest in playing with Barbies. Ever. In fact, pay special attention to the title for a hint at her ultimate fate.


**Barbie Cue**

So Barbie and Ken are married now, eh? Kelly sat there, sulking all day, sulking all night.

"I WANNA BE MARRIED TO KEN!" She screamed in anger.

"Wait your turn, sis," Barbie said thru clenched teeth. "I am married to him now. It is wrong to divorce him just to let my sister marry him."

"Okay," Kelly pouted. Barbie turned to Ken.

"My modeling contract explicitly requires me to have pictures of me taken while playing pool. They figure the image of me leaning on a pool cue aiming for a ball will show off my hot ass." Ken wolf whistled.

"I like how on the night I proposed to you, you were able to use the wedding ring as a hula hoop." Ken said.

"Oh, psssh. I can use a Cheerio now." Barbie said in a snarky way. She checked the cabinets. "Oh crap, we're out of Cheerios!" She screamed in horror. She checked her 300 cubic meter piggy bank. Zero. Zip. Nada. "I'm not worried. I just got a computer. Maybe I can download a new box of Cheerios from the internet." She went on Mega Upload. "This site has shut down by the F**king Bitches Instigators (FBI) due to copyright infringement and piracy that we don't know for sure went on, but we'd better assume anyway because we R AW3SUMZ LI3K DAT!"

"Great. I can't download Cheerios."

"Well, you are blonde, after all. It's understandable why you would believe it's possible to download something analog from something purely digital." Ken joked.

"Well then, time to die my hair!" Barbie said in a determined voice.

"I think you mean 'dye.'" Ken corrected.

"Right."

Barbie dunked her head in the toilet right after Ken went, cause, you know, men never flush or put the toilet seat back down. She had a bunch of fecal matter in her hair now. She was brunette now cause, you know, poop is brown.

She came up to Ken. "I'm brunette now, so now I should be smart. Now to see if I would be dumb enough to try to download Cheerios from Mega Upload even though you can't do that and Mega Upload being shut down." Same result as last time.

"I'M STILL BLONDE! I guess the change isn't immediate. I have to kill the bastards that shut down my favorite site next to MySpace."

"MySpace? Don't you mean 'MyStone?' Come on! No one's used MySpace in over 300 years! It's all about Facebook now."

Barbie went for a photo shoot, playing pool as per usual.

"Can I have a word with you?" the photographer half whispered to Barbie. Barbie followed.

"Your hair literally smells of shit taking a million shits! Plus you're brunette now. Only blondes are pretty.' He threw a napkin at her. She didn't budge. "And throwing a napkin at you doesn't make you fall over! You're too fat! You are no longer a model, miss morbidly obese Albert! Go home to your bacon grease swimming pool!" Barbie stormed out, crying. She was hungry because she didn't have any money to buy food.

"I have to get Mega Upload back online so I can download food ever!" Barbie had no idea how to track down the FBI. But maybe she could commit a national crime to lure them to her. "I'm not sure how to commit a national crime. Hmmmm."

She took a bus to Six Flags Magic Mountain and spray painted white over the "L" in the logo so it now read "Six Fags."

"FBI, COME OUT, COME OUT, WHERE EVER YOU ARE!" Barbie shouted. No one came.

"Hey, the sign now reads 'Six Fags.' Nice to know everyone's been pronouncing and spelling it wrong all along. Thank you whoever vandalized this piece of park property."

"Damn. I need to do something a lot more drastic!"

She went back home, read about 9/11 on Wikipedia, and thought to herself, _if I can drive a plane into a tall building, the FBI is gonna be lured to me in a heartbeat. But then I's gonna die! I don't wanna die. I know. I can get someone to do it for me. _

In the ticket line, Barbie walked up to some tall male kid wearing a white undershirt and a backwards hat.

"Hey kid. I want you to do something for me. Will you please hijack an airplane and drive it into the Sears tower in Chicago?" Barbie pleaded. The kid looked at her as if her nose randomly fell off.

"NO! Get out my face, lil girl!" He kicked her in the balls. "THAT'S MY PURSE! I DON'T KNOW YOU!" Barbie fell over in pain, holding her groin in agony. She then remembered that, being a female, she does not have guy parts. She got back up and walked back to the bus stop. _If I can't make someone crash a plane into a building, maybe I can start a file sharing site exactly identical to Mega Upload, and encourage piracy. _Barbie may be stupid, but at least she knew a thing or two about starting up a website from scratch.

She took the bus back home and wrote lines of code, copying Mega Upload's source code down to the nanopixel. She decided to call it-Mega Upload. _Step 1 complete. _She then uploaded all kinds of ROMs, movies, music files, etc. to Mega Upload. Barbie put on her most revealing strapless, midriff baring, high heeled outfit. "I'm ready!"

Barbie heard a knock on the door. It was the FBI.

"We are here to- Oh mY!" the FBI peoplez were drooling and panting like dogs. One of them wolf whistled. Distracted by her hot body, Barbie seized the moment and bit the heads off of the FBI members, Ozzy Osborne style. She then decided to try again to download some Cheerios because SHE WAS STILL HUNGRY! She searched for Cheerios. No results found. She then remembered that she wasn't hungry because she ate the heads off of the FBI members. So this entire story wasn't pointless.

President Barack Lincoln (can't use real people. Sorry) publicly recognized her as a hero for disposing of the evil FBI. Everyone was required to laugh at the dead bodies or face indefinite detention. No one had a problem with it. Barbie took off her...

Everything that happened in this story up to this point was a dream by some teenage girl who wanted to get rid of her Barbie collection. Barbie was just a toy. Nothing more. Said teenage girl picked her up, put her on a barbecue pit, poured lighter fluid, and set her alight. Someone else picked up a camera, shot a video, and put it on YouTube. A female pop singer included the song lyric "Barbie's on the barbecue" in her song. In real life.

Now that Barbie was BBQed, Kelly ended up marrying Ken. I remembered!


End file.
